An Epiphany

I guess my biggest regret for the last couple of years is losing friends.  One never likes to lose friends.  I am a fixer and the more I try to fix, I really tend to mess things up.  I really need to learn this lesson:  Let go and let God!  It is so hard for me to let go of people.  No matter how badly things might go between us, I tend to want to hang on and take their abuse (and sometimes dish out mine as well, I am no saint).  I tend to let my anger get the best of me sometimes.

I never used to be so angry, but it seems the older I get and especially after some of my medical diagnoses, the anger came, the depression came, the pain came.  I really kind of went off the deep end for a bit and while I still don't feel like my old sweet kind humble self, I am beginning to feel some better.  I give that credit to a great doctor and my Heavenly Father, not necessarily in that order.

I think one of the biggest lessons I have had to learn as of late is that some people are only meant to be in our lives for a short time and when God decides it is time for them to move on, no matter the reason, I need to learn to let go and let Him do His work in their lives as He sees fit, not as Susan sees fit.  It seems that by trying to hold on to them, I am actually hindering God from doing the work in our lives (theirs and mine), and some of them...well, they are just not worth holding on to.  They need to be cut loose.

When someone says something nasty to you like, "You need a keeper to keep you under control" they most certainly should be cut loose.  I am not innocent in the situation by no shape, form, or fashion, but neither am I the person he says I am.  I am not a vindictive person.  When people used to say things like this to me, it would send me spiraling down into a very deep depression, but if I have learned anything from this mess it is that you don't define me, I define who I am, and while it may not always be pretty, deep down, I know I am a very good person, and I am not going to let you or anyone else tell me otherwise.

Again, I know who I am.  I am a child of THE King of Kings and Lord of Lords.  I have to go to Him daily to confess my sins, which are many.  I am the daughter of a bivocational minister and a retired grocery store manager.  I am the oldest of four.  I am a wife, mother, cousin, sister, friend, aunt, great aunt, great great aunt, and the list goes on.  I am not perfect.  I never claimed to be.  You really don't know me, so please don't pretend you do.  A true friend sticks by you no matter what, they don't bail on you when the going gets tough.  You and (a few others) are  not the people I thought you were.  I'm sure I have disappointed too.  My sincerest apologies.  All I can do from here is go on and try to be a better person.  With God's help, I can do this!