The Betrayal

Writing is my way of working through things. The way I wrote this entry will probably not make sense to any of you and for that, I apologize in advance. Approximately one year ago, my family was betrayed by a young man we took into our home when he had nowhere else to go. While my daughter, my son, and Hubby have seemingly moved past it, I have not. I am trying, but there is such pain there, I am still trying to work through it. I tend to be a fixer, a peacemaker if you will, but through all of this, I have learned that some things just cannot be fixed. If you are still interested read on and I hope it makes some kind of sense. It does to me and that is what matters, I guess.

I let someone influence me not in a good way. I usually make up my mind about people on their own merit, not because of somebody else's opinion of them. I am sad to say I let myself be influenced by someone's opinion of another. All I knew of her was what I was told by him and he happened to be on the outs with her at that time. Of course, his opinion was not going to be favorable of her. He told me he would never lie, yet he did repeatedly. I know that now, but now it seems it is too late.

I deleted my old myspace because it was full of pain and regret. I wanted a fresh new start; however, I seem to be having trouble getting past being so betrayed, but now I can truly see how her family feels. You were only part of our lives for a couple of months. You were part of their lives for a couple of years. What you did to them was much worse than what you did to us.

You showed us what you wanted us to see long enough to ingratiate your way into our lives. You used us and then you chewed us up and spit us out like we were garbage knowing what we had been through, what we were still going through with my son's divorce. You have yet to take responsibility for your part. I have tortured myself beyond belief. I have cried myself to sleep many nights for my part, mostly because of the pain I caused my daughter. I have tried to make restitution, but in doing so, I have learned that some things just can't be fixed and I have to live with the consequences of my actions.

I have also learned I have no place in my life for users, as users are only out for themselves and what they can take. They have no conscience and could care less who they hurt as long as they get what they want. Thank God, I am not like that! Like you. I do have a conscience and I do care that I did wrong and I have tried very hard to make things right, but sometimes, you can go too far. I went too far. The difference between you and me is I know I did. I have remorse. Much remorse. You don't. I have tried to make it right. You haven't. I have been told by others that you don't like me, but perhaps it is really yourself you don't like and you are using me as your scapegoat. Maybe one day, when you actually grow up, you will see that you ultimately caused the whole situation. I took more than my share of the blame. For a long, long time, I took most of the blame, but it is wrong of me to do that. It lets you completely off the hook. I hope one day you will mature to the point that you will see what you did wrong and accept your responsibility for a situation that got way out of control. This burden has become too big for me to carry alone.

P.S. Please note tag is done by Missie.