Divine Intervention

Sorry I haven't been around in a couple of weeks. I have been in a very depressed state. I have prayed and prayed for God to help me forget someone who has caused me great pain. A few days ago, God revealed to me that I was praying the wrong prayer for this person. He has further revealed to me through a message that I got from said person on my MySpace that I am the one who has perpetuated this situation. It was a real eye opener for me. When I stopped praying to forget this person and started praying for him the way God wanted me to, my pain began to fade. Again, God answered my prayer, but not the way I prayed for Him to answer, proving to me yet again that being my Creator, He knows what is best for me better than I do.

Today, so far, has been a very good day. It is the third day I have not felt any emotional pain in my heart. This is pain I have been dealing with for months and months. Over a year even. I know I am feeling better because I have taken steps to set myself back on the right path. The path I know that God has called me to.

FIRST STEP: I quit my job working from home. Medical transcription is not what God is calling me to do. I know it. My heart's desire is to be in the ministry fulltime.

SECOND STEP: I have taken inventory of my life and my appearance. I do not like what I see in either place. I have caused pain to people I love because of my actions. I hope to be able to restore those friendships at some point and time, but first, I have to change me. I have not taken care of myself physically, spiritually, or emotionally. To get better, I know I must peel away these layers of fat on the outside and the darkness on the inside that have taken hold of my life. I know it is not going to happen overnight, but I do see a light at the end of the tunnel. To get better, I know I must focus on that light.

THIRD STEP: I have had to face what I have done, accept the responsibility for my actions, learn that God has forgiven me for all of my transgressions, but I hadn't forgiven myself. Again, a real eye opener. That has always been a hard thing for me to do. I have tortured myself beyond belief over this certain situation. I have finally realized that I cannot do anything to go back and change any of it. My Nana used to tell me all the time when I was growing up, "Honey, there ain't no use in cryin' over spilt milk." What I can do is forgive me, even if no one else ever does. I know God forgave me when I asked Him to. Forgiveness is a freeing thing. For the first time in a very long time, I feel free. It is a very good thing.

I have to figure out why I am so obsessive about everything. I know it is tied to something from my childhood, but what? For me to get better, I have to unblock that memory.

I have been to this point before in my life. It always happens when I deviate from God's plan for my life. I previously had the strength to overcome it without psychiatrists or medication. I believe I still have that strength within me. It is within a five letter word called faith. Faith in God. Faith in myself. I will find my way back to the person I want to be, to the person God is calling me to be...and when I do, I will be better than ever!~

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phillipians 4:13 (American King James Version)

I am in a good place today. I have the 70's music channel on cable. Rock The Boat was playing while I was cleaning the living room. I was lip syncing the words and dancing when CJ walked through the living room. She raised her eyebrows at me like what are you doing? Then she said, "You shouldn't do drugs. They affect your brain." Mwahahahaha...