Minus A Friend

Graphic courtesy of my friend, Anna (annalisa135@aol.com).

I have spent a large portion of my life taking folks with needs, mostly kids, into my home. The first one was a family member, he was the oldest one. He had fallen on hard times and had nowhere else to go. This kid grew up knowing what it was like to have to live out of a car with his parents and four other siblings, so it really blesses my heart to see him be so successful financially now, especially in these hard times.

I took a cousin's child in when she had fallen on hard times. I actually went to court and got physical custody of her son (with her permission), mostly to keep him out of the clutches of alcoholic grandparents. I happily returned him to her after she met a decent man even before they got married; however, they did go on to get married, and have now been married for 20 years. They own a beautiful place in the country and have went on to have a daughter and they attend church regularly. Their son is old enough now he lives on his own with his girlfriend whom he plans to marry soon. She is a lovely young lady. I couldn't be happier for all of them.

I later took in this same cousin's half-sister's children, a boy and a girl, because she was neglectful and abusive to them. She went on to have two more children. I could not afford to take all four of them in and I gave them up hoping that all four could be placed together, as the courts terminated this cousin's parental rights all together. It like to have killed me to do so. I cried and cried. They were finally adopted by one family in a different part of the state. I have very little to do with this cousin, as she is the same one I write about in my Journey Through The Valley of Shadows journal. If you read that entry, you will understand why. I pray for her. When I see her at family functions, I speak. I am civil, but that is all I can give her. She has been married 3-4 times. The only way we will ever see her children again is if they get old enough they want to seek us out.

I let one of my nephews stay with us as long as he wanted (off and on)because his parents went through a divorce and he was having a hard time with it.

I took in another nephew when his uncle kicked him out of his Daddy's house (long story).

I took in one of my son's friends when his parents went through a divorce and he had a very hard time with it.

I took in one of my daughter's friends whose Father and stepmom got a divorce when he said he had nowhere else to go.

I took in one of my son's friends when he was kicked out of the only home he ever knew.

My daughter has a friend whose parents are truckdrivers and she doesn't like to be all alone. She is most welcome to stay here anytime she likes.

There are probably a few here, I haven't even thought about. I am not writing about this to pin in roses on myself. I just know if I had it to do over, I would still do it the same way. Helping these kids has been one of the highlights of my life. I have cherished being a mentor to them and feel they are part of my extended family. I am happy to say that the majority of them are success stories. I still have a pretty good relationship with most of these kids, with the exception of the cousin who betrayed my family and one of the kids who I feel also betrayed my family. He is probably one of the few who stayed the least amount of time, but he is the one who stole the biggest part of my heart. I love helping people and though I have been burned, I will probably continue to do so.

I wish I could find a way to explain to him why I did what I did. It would also be nice if he would come to me and accept his part of the responsibility for his actions, as I am not totally to blame here. I don't look for that to happen; but nonetheless, I continue to be hopeful. I do realize, however that our relationship may never be repaired. I am learning to accept that. I believe in taking responsibility for my actions, but there are circumstances that caused this situation to escalate that were really beyond my control.

I have multiple medical conditions and am dealing with menopause. I have been for several years now (see last entry). It has greatly changed my personality and not for the better. I am not proud of it, but feel powerless to do anything about it. Last year, I was on about eight different medications. I got tired of feeling doped up and went off of all of it, except for my thyroid meds. I have to take those daily for the rest of my life to be able to live. Menopause has been the worst thing to deal with. It has made me evil, a bitch if you will. This is so different from the real me. The rage erupts in me like lava in a volcano. I know I keep writing about it, but I do so because I wasn't prepared for how it was going to affect/change me. I don't want my women friends who are younger to go into it not knowing what to expect. I have also learned that menopause can exacerbate (make them worse) the symptoms of my other medical conditions. I have had friends that have been through the big M tell me that it didn't affect them badly and I have had friends tell me it was the worst thing they have ever been through, but to hang in there it gets better. It is unfortunate that I am in the latter category. I can only pray they are right.

I also feel that part of the reason I reacted the way I did is because I have been out of church now for 3-4 years. My Dad was a minister. I was raised in church. My relationship with God is a large part of what has always kept me stable. Having been a PK (preacher's kid), my family got hurt in most every church my Dad pastored. After I got married, my husband and I attended a church for many years. That church split. I got tired of being hurt in a place where I should always be able to find comfort. I have learned to put my faith in God, not in people. My boss at the hospital where I used to work always told me, "It is better to sit on a bench next to a hypocrite in church than to burn in hell with one." I know she is right. The bible tells us to "assemble ourselves together." I have found great support in the church in the past. It has not all been bad. We are currently looking for a new church home.

I am better at writing than I am speaking directly to someone. I hope I can write something here that will make this person who meant so much to me to understand why I reacted to the situation the way I did, but how can I do that when I don't even begin to understand it myself?