Tonight...

I have learned why I have pretty much become a hermit and keep to myself. I obviously don't have sense enough to socialize or be in public. I never seem to say the right things. Is there not anybody out there that understands me and won't judge me? Is there anybody I can talk around without fear of saying the wrong thing and being misunderstood? That knows me well enough to know I do not have a mean bone in my body, and that knows I am a good person, a person worth knowing. I am repeatedly told I get too involved. If I do, it's because I care. Why does that always have to be such a bad thing?

We went to Wal-Mart today to pick up a few things. My son and daughter were with me. He kept getting on to me for getting in people's way. I was oblivious. They were getting angry with me. It sux to be sick and not have a brain anymore.

I will be driving and have blank-outs. Notice I did not say black out, I said blank-out. Everything I know will just leave me, my mind just goes blank. My daughter has been with me in the truck now three different times when this happens to me. I will forget simple things like what lane I am supposed to go into when turning. One day she was with me and I was turning into Tiger Town. We had just gotten off the interstate. I couldn't remember what to do and panicked and wound up on the curb. It only lasts 20-30 seconds, but it is enough that something bad could happen. I could never forgive myself if I caused an accident that maimed or killed someone, especially if that someone happened to be my daughter whom I love with all my heart and soul.

In another incident, I was supposed to meet my husband one day to take him something he had left behind at home. I got off the wrong exit thinking I was at the Tiger Town exit. I couldn't figure out why the road didn't go across like I needed it to. I didn't even know where I was. Nevermind that I was born and raised here. I know this place like I know the back of my hand when I am in my "right" mind. Thankfully, after I turned and saw Angels' Antiques, I knew where I was and I turned around and got back on the interstate. I asked my daughter not to say anything to my husband about my faux pas. I didn't want to worry him.

I was headed to pick up my son one day from work. Have been to Barker's Crest many times to pick him up AND my husband. Hubby is a carpenter, son is an electrician. I was going to Hamilton Road when I blanked again and I was thinking I am not on the right road. This road comes out at Chewacla Park. I don't know where to go to pick him up. I was on the right road, I just didn't have to go as far down as Chewacla. I do know this, but for those few moments, I didn't.

Just the other day, my daughter and I were going to meet a friend of hers at Tiger Town. I was getting on the interstate at exit 62. I am very familiar with that exit because when I worked for both JCPenney and EAMC, it is the exit I always took to go home. I was turning to get onto the interstate, and again, my mind blanked out on what lane I was supposed to be in. I didn't say anything to my daughter. I was veering into the other lane and when I realized I was all up on somebody and I eased my truck back over into the lane I was really supposed to be in. Yeah, I think I probably need to stop driving.

With my work, I am having problems as well. I got wrote up for not punching in/out correctly and not meeting production. I was fulltime, but had to revert to parttime because I cannot hold out to do fulltime anymore. My joints hurt so badly after that long, I can hardly get up out of my chair. If they are not hurting, then they are numb and tingling. Because I am a parttime medical transcriptionist, I am required to type 8 reports an hour. I used to average between 85-167 reports a day when I worked fulltime. Now, I am lucky to reach 20. That is how bad I am. I now have to submit medical documentation from my doctor saying I have cognitive issues (I offered this before when I went back to work for this company, but they said they didn't need it). To save my job, they have offered me a medical leave of absence. If I do not get any better, how is a medical leave going to help?

I am writing about this because maybe there is someone else out there who has my symptoms that can point me in the right direction. I am so tired of getting diagnosed incorrectly. Perhaps, with the right treatment, I could get better. A lot of things there are no cures for, but are treatable like my hypothyroidism. It would make me very depressed to know I had to live like this for the rest of my life.

I was so afraid I was getting early onset Alzheimers. My doc says no, he thinks multiple sclerosis. Like that is any better? :-(